News Conference 2045

Originally posted February 24, 2006. Substitute “Trump” for “Bush” and “Mar-a-Lado” for “Austin” and you’d be closer to the current truth.

Dateline Austin, Texas, October 25, 2045

President Jehovah Bush, in his first news conference in 3 years, used the occasion to declare his Global Warming Strategy a complete success. “Global warming presented the U.S. with a glorious opportunity to further the interests of my Americans. We have leaned forward, taken the offensive, and are now blessed to receive God’s blessings.”

About the loss of Washington D.C. he claimed that it had been unfavored for decades, almost surrounded as it was by a blue state and mostly blue itself. “We did manage to get most of the monuments moved to Texas, and our business partners actually prefer the climate out here. And keeping the government and the nation’s business in business, well that’s what’s important, after all. Plus we’re closer to middle America, where we can communicate better with real Americans.”

And the storms battering the coasts? “Blue states, mostly. They’ll just have to move inland to the red states, and be grateful we’re here to receive them.” And the government’s refusal to reimburse for property losses? “They should have looked forward, like we did, and bought high land while it was still cheap. The Lord don’t help those who don’t help themselves.”

He admitted that Europe presented some challenges, after the gulf stream shut down and agriculture there came almost to a standstill. “Well, you know that the old Europe never supported us very much, even England dropped away, so I never gave them much thought. I felt worse about the new Europe, but those folks are used to a hard life and this’ll be better for them in the long run.”

When asked about the loss to flooding and starvation of an estimated 4.7 million people in Bangladesh, he remarked, “They were some of the poorest people on the earth, and we all know God does not favor poor people with his blessings. Besides, we really hold India to blame for not opening it’s borders and letting the Bangladeshis escape to higher ground.”

The other major topic on the agenda was the continuing War on Terror, and again Mr. Bush spoke of how the U.S. was doing well in the fight, but that it was “hard work”, and he’d have to maintain the Terrorist Act for a few more years. When asked why he thought terrorism was still a problem, “Those people are just full of envy for us and our freedoms, and especially our blessings from God, still having lots of land well above sea level. Those Shiity Arabs just can’t seem to quit worshipping the wrong god.”

The last question concerned what mistakes he thought he might have made. “Mistakes? No way. All that foreign stuff and the stuff on the coasts you press guys think is bad? That’s just God’s will, that’s all. Real Americans, the folks I care about, are doing just fine. I don’t know what His plan is, but I know if Jesus came back, he’d come back as an American.

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